The Twunt's Comms Masterclass 1: Shafting a Whistleblower. David Drew - A Case Study.

Definition. Whistleblower.(ˈwɪsəlˌbloə(r) ) "A man or woman who is unable to control their ability to shut the fuck up" (Jeremy Twunt's NHS Dictionary)

There have been some high profile comms failures since The Twunt took up the hot seat.  As the resident comms genius in Richmond House, I am issuing this note as part of a potential series of comms masterclasses. I want to deal with the whistleblowing phenomenon that has been in the papers like stink on shit since the beginning of the year. Ive flagged several of the most high profile of these fuckers already. If you have one of these characters crapping on your patch you need a strategy to deal with them before you completely lose control of your comms.

It can be an utter pain in the arse to have someone on your team who doesn't buy in to your corporate strategy on reputational management. You know the kind. They raise awkward awkward questions about patient safety  (just because you don't sort out any minor problems straight away) and embarrassing questions about the competency of their colleagues.

THERE IS NO I IN TEAM PEOPLE!! YOU NEED THESE FUCKERS OUT. They are a serious threat to your organisations' reputation and by extension, your tenure as CEO. For this note I am going to use some examples from the case study of Dr David Drew (@NHSWhistleblower on Twitter). Now (sadly), you will know that it is illegal to sack idiots like Drew under PIDA legislation so you are going to have to get creative. Following these 5 simple steps you may just get a result. Drew is proof that this works. His appeal against the Employment Tribunal which backed his sacking by Walsall Manor Trust failed last week.

1) Try some of the standard tried and tested techniques. Make life as difficult for them as possible. Querying their mental health with some well placed people often does the trick. If that doesn't work you could try this sort of thing.

2) You'll also need to trawl for dirt on the idiot in question. Doesn't matter how old it is. But it needs to be effective. Here is a good example.

3) Naturally you will be challenged by your target so you may need an 'independent' review team to come in and take him or her down. This wont be easy so here's what has to happen. Firstly, under no circumstances must the review address the whistleblowers claims. The panel will identify leadership weaknesses and recommend the removal of a key manager. This position (lets say, for the sake of argument its a Clinical Director post) could then be offered to the chair of the panel recommending the change (on an interim basis...and it would have to be a good career stepping stone for him of course).  As you know,  conflicts of interest don't matter as long as they are declared. I know this for a fact....because I said it. Now, I'm sure there is a technical name for this kind of thing but it has momentarily escaped me....

4) The new incumbent then has to usher the whistleblower snitch out. I recommend bribes first and if that fails then make some ridiculous demands like not using religious language in work. This is pretty reasonable, its not like you haven't gone the extra mile with your previous inducements. And you are not making this guy a scapegoat for a department with serious problems

5) Now if any of this ever got out you would clearly be in deep shit. To that end I would recommend that you get all members of the panel to sign a gag. As you know, I have had to say that I will ban the gagging of whistleblowers. However, I've never said a thing about it being wrong to gag the people investigating snitches....so, y'know...carry on.

Of course, once you have finally got rid of this moron you may have to weather a little local media turbulence as a window of opportunity opens up to allow them to mouth off. But take confidence in the rock solid fact that they will not get an iota of support from their former colleagues who will have seen through their crap. And that their patients are glad that they have gone......really glad.

All of this will help you keep your ship on course.....there may be a few casualties along the way but you have to think its for a greater cause. Now I'm going to let you in on a secret. Follow these simple  steps and you will buy yourself some peace....but you dont have to worry about getting caught out. The big secret is that no one who can intervene and hold you to account really gives a fuck. I'm not going to kick up a stink and have said that there is no need for an inquiry into whistleblowing in the NHS. The Health Select Committee and Comrade Nicholson have taken the same view.

Post Script :- It appears that David Drew is about to publish a book which may blow the lid on what went on at Walsall (its such a pity that the recent heart attack he had didn't finish him off). The Twunt predicts that it will sink like a stone BUT if by some lucky chance it goes big I WILL FUCKING SACK ANYONE I CATCH WITH A COPY. No questions, no second chances. Got it? Good.